i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
