i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
