He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
