Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She bit a glass in half.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
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