My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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