Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
