her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
