i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
