My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
