david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
