I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize