Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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