that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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