I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
