it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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