I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
