Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
