I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I queefed so loud it echoed.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize