You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
