I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
