Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
