Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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