Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
