I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
