I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
