I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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