i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
