I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
