I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
