a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize