and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
