Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Mom said you looked used
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
