Don't make out with my wife yet
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
