Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
