Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
