3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I don't think brook has ever known best
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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