we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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