Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
