if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
