Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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