i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
