watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
