note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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