sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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