I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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