Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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