I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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