Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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