This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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