I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Sex in the backyard? Check.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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