You can't special order awesome
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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