New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
