xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
