Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
