i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
