Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize