I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
