I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
