I CAN MOONWALK!
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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