i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
