its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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